Gray

First of all, in the U.K. it is grey.  In the U.S, it is gray. 

Just something to say that this is an informative blog.

 

My mood is gray, with varying shades, sometimes going into the darker regions of gray that would probably be closer to charcoal or black. 

That is really the only way I can think to describe it. 

The only thing I truly want to do is sleep, and not have to wake up and jump up to do something.  A day off.  A day of no expectations, because I don't feel like I can live up to any expectations right now.

I missed work, for different reasons that I am not emotionally capable of handling or discussing right now, and I managed to pretend to be a responsible, productive adult for most of the day. 

As a good friend put it "I'm wasting time waiting to go to bed so I can get up and waste time waiting to go to bed again".  That is pretty much how I feel right now.

My chest hurts, my brain does not seem to functioning at its normal capacity, and I am going approximately 15 minutes between random crying bouts.  I'm afraid that my world is going to fall down around me and there is nothing I can do about it.  Are there signs of the impending doom?  I'm not even sure.  My anxiety is making every little thing look like the space ship from Independence Day, with no Will Smith to save the day. 

I would give anything to have a normal functioning psyche right now.  I know that the forced light hearted view of my defectiveness is about 87.56% of my personality, but when my defectiveness actually kicks in, I'd rather have a new personality. 

I mean, I was literally almost incapable of being a human being when Whimzy told me that she hated me the other night.  It sent me into this downward spiral that started at approximately 5pm on a Thursday and didn't end until somewhere around 1pm Friday.  And when I say end, I really mean that I forced myself to put real pants on and go do family things.  I would have much rather stayed in bed.

Maybe "sludge" would have been a better title.  I feel like everything that I have to do, I have to fight through sludge to do it.  A really thick, gray, slightly astringent smelling sludge.  And, of course, nobody else can see it, so it just looks like I am losing my mind or being lazy.  But, if I had chosen "sludge", I would not have been able to give you that nifty factoid.

So, I am going to go fight my personal, invisible, gray sludge to get the pirates and their ship out of my bath tub, try to relax a bit, and go to bed.  And they are not sexy, awesome pirates having a party in my bathroom, they are Disney Junior pirates and a crocodile.  Hell, I think Hook is even in there.  It is almost ridiculous.

 

P.S. If anybody knows where to find/buy wax or oils that can be used in a Scentsy type burner that smell like Earl Grey (see! British!) Tea, I would be much obliged if you would let me know in the comments.  I would really like my apartment to smell like Patrick Stewart.

Ranting and Raving

 

 

*Disclaimer:  Thanks to bad planning and then insurance issues I was off my anti-depressants for 3 days and just started them back up a few hours ago.  So, I am a bit "off" and "down". 

 

So, I bought this cute little sign for myself last night.

It is perfect for me to buy myself.

If anybody else bought it for me, I'd be pissed. 

Since figuring out that I was depressed and had anxiety issues at the age of 15, I have heard every variation of "Get Over It"; from "you're faking it for attention", to "just breathe".  My favorite?  "Just relax!". OMG!  Why didn't I think of that in this struggle?  It would have been so much easier if I had just relaxed years ago!  Bleh.  If somebody told that to a cancer patient, what would happen?  Those parents who have been into "faith healing" and letting their children get sick and die are being convicted of crimes.  Why can't that apply to parents who do not take their children's suicide threats seriously, or who ignore obvious signs of mental disorders?

 

*Yes, I know this is going on a ramble, but I did give you a disclaimer....

 

Well, it is the same reason that it is not possible for most people to call into work because of an anxiety attack.  Mental illnesses, especially emotional disorders, still are not considered "real" to most people.  I mean, to a point, I get it.  Unless you have felt it, it would seem easy to just relax. 

Unfortunately, this is a real thing.  My brain chemicals are messed up.  How I perceive things is distorted.  My coping skills are compromised.  I am on actual medication.  It comes with actual physical symptoms, besides the myriad of mental symptoms.

 

So, why am I allowed to tell myself to get over it?  Because sometimes, that is what I need to do.  But, nobody else ever tell me to get over it, because that is not their place.   Not my husband, not my family, not my friends.  Nobody else.  Nobody is in my head, nobody is feeling how I feel.  No, I don't have cancer, but I am still sick.  I can't "get over it", just like that.  When I tell myself that, it usually is accompanied by lots of crying, medication, and mental preparing.  And it usually isn't "get over it", it is "you can get past it".  I need to push past what I am feeling to live life.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Naps do help, though. 

 

So, thanks for listening to my little rant.  Sometimes, I just get so irritated by the lack of understanding of emotional disorders by the general public.  Mental health needs to be addressed and realized to be just as important as cardiac health, or any other kind of physical health.

 

Anybody have any "great" advice they've been given to deal with their issues?

Settling In

I lived in the same house until I was 16.  It was the house my Papa built, and in my mind, it was probably the only place I would ever live.  My entire future was planned out, in that house.

Then, I didn't live there anymore.

That was a really, really short summary of a long story, but that is the gist of it.

I felt like I would never feel at home again.

I felt like the next place I settled in better be IT!

Heck, for a few years, I was actively planning to buy the house back.

That passed, and yes, if I ever have the opportunity, I would love to own it (winning the lottery would help). 

Then, I just kind of figured that I would hold off on settling in anywhere because once I settled, I wanted to stay. 

Then, with Ty, it didn't matter what the place looked like, as long as there were a few choice possessions and my little family.

 

So, now with this job, I had two main goals (besides saving money); expanding my book collection (AKA building my book nook), and making our apartment more "homey".  I was finally ready to decorate.  After several years in a row of thinking we would move out next time our lease was up, and then deciding to stay for another year, it was time.  I mean, I would be here for at least another year.  I was sick of looking at blank walls, clutter, and lack of personality in my home.

So, I have been working on it. It is still a work in progress, and I still may add some more this coming weekend, but I have managed to hit both of my goals.  I have expanded my book collection, and I have made our apartment more homey.  And, I took pictures!!! 

Remember, this is a work in progress and only a few snapshots of pieces of the projects. 

^ So, this is one of my new storage pieces to help me declutter. Notice all of the Doctor Who stuff :)  This is in my living room, leading to the hallway.



 

 

^ This is in my kitchen, which we are trying to go for a brewery type style in.  I had all kinds of clutter on my counters and cook books spread out all over the place.  I found this nifty little corner bookshelf and managed to get fix both issues at once!  Oh, and I completely reorganized my cupboards, but that is neither here nor there.  Also, not worth taking pictures of.

And on to the bedroom, where most of the money has been spent!  This is on our bookshelf headboard.  It is a Mikasa bowl that my aunt got us for our bridal shower, and a message in a bottle that we picked up at Gordman's.  The nifty ball thing is a Christmas present from an awesome friend.  No idea what its purpose is, but it is pretty.  And the crystal flowers beneath are from our wedding :)  And in case anybody forgot, the bedroom is in the pirate and mermaid get married motif.

 

 

This is the corner of my night stand.  It has fishing net, a pretty bottle, my ring box, a mirror, and a mermaid sleeping in a shell :) 



These are the two middle-ish shelves of the bookshelf.
It has our treasure chest, bottle of rum (empty, of course),
and some chains, just in case! Also, notice, more books.
I am not actually sure what is going to happen when
I get more and take up all the shelf space....

So, this is my corner of the headboard.  That is the whiskey barrel from our unity ceremony (which is still fermenting!), a picture of us, and behind it is a behavioral therapy technique that I adapted to be pretty and help me remember that I am capable of getting things done.

This is also on my night stand.  It is my wedding bouquet in a nifty little rope vase.  My best friend necklaces that all of my bridesmaids have the other halves to are still on there :)

 

 

This is purely for décor.  We have a cubby shelf with random trinkets we have.  A whale (Ty is terrified of whales! lol), some rusty old keys, fake daggers, pretty shiny jewelry, a boatswain whistle...  Hoping it fills up more over time.

 

This is the top shelf of our bookshelf.  It is where I am keeping the classics and our pirate ship.  Makes sense to me...

This is the over all bookshelf!  Notice the pretty shiny things hanging (another Christmas present), the nifty artwork on top....Now, ignore the bottom 2 shelves.  I'm working on those!

This is another Christmas present we received! (People know us so well!)  Notice the eye patch....

This is the top of my dresser, filled with my shiny things and two ridiculously awesome candlestick holders, from my aunt.


So, this is what I have been working on the last few weeks!  I am hoping that there will be more pictures to come, and yes, I will be adding all of this to my Pinterest. 

P.S.  Thank you for the gifts, my family and friends! You guys know us so well ;)  Gnomes, shiny things, pirates...what would we do without you all?

P.P.S.  Here is my Pinterest link:
http://www.pinterest.com/luminessa08/
This includes all of the stuff I want to do and the stuff I have already done! Check it out :)
Plus, it has some recipes and links to my wedding blog that are pretty awesome.


So, what do you think?  Comments?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Telling Stories With Whimzy

Lately, before I put Whimzy down for bed, we "talk".

It is an effort to work on her speech skills and to calm her down for bed.

It is mostly talking about Christmas and me trying to explain to her that Santa doesn't come for her birthday.

Tonight, I decided to switch it up a bit.  Laying on our super comfy couch, with her head on my shoulder, I asked her to tell me a story. At first, she was confused, so I went first.  My first story was about a squirrel who wanted to be different so he colored himself purple.

For Whimzy's turn, she decided that same squirrel would be rainbow.

We went back and forth for a bit, her stories mostly being variations on mine.

But, then, out of nowhere, she came up with her own story!  It took some coaxing and question asking, but it was her own story, and here it is (keep in mind that I did some editing so that it is in complete sentences, but the gist of the story is all her!):

 

Once upon a time there was a family of duckies, a mommy duck, a daddy duck, and a little girl duck.

The little girl duck wanted to play hide and seek with her Daddy duck.

She got to hide first.

She found a goose and hid on his tail.

Daddy duck could not find her until she quacked.

Daddy duck knew it was her because the goose would have honked, not quacked.

The End.

 

 

Yes, everybody, that is my daughter for you! Also, there was a story about a rainbow monkey eating a tree and a giraffe getting mad at the monkey for eating his tree, at which point Whimzy asked if she could have a banana.

 

These are the nights, the stories, and the moments that I hope I remember forever. 

 

And no, I don't think the story has a moral, unless of course you want to read into my 3-year old's mind and come up with a deep meaning to this ducky story.  In fact, I encourage it!  Find the moral or meaning to this story!

Post in the comments ;)



Family and Friends, or Maybe Framily?

I've had a strange evolution of how I view the differences between family and friends*. 

For awhile, I thought that friends were the replacement for family.

Before that, I thought friends were there when you had extra time leftover from your family (when I was little, before I could manage my own time).

Now, I am in a place where I have this perfect balance of understanding the difference. 

In my case, there is not much of one.

I have been thinking back to the holidays and how I spent each one.  It was this wonderful blend of family and friends helping each other celebrate.

On Christmas Eve, after seeing the in-laws in the morning, my best friend and her beau (also a really close friend) came over to exchange presents (I gave her a stuffed appendix, like a stuffed animal, but it was an appendix...) and watch Whimzy open her presents.  Then, they helped "Santa" set up for the morning.  After Santa Christmas morning, I got to go spend the day with my family.  My Dad, my aunt and uncle, my little sis/cousin, my adopted-ish little cousin/sister (I don't know how else to describe Kelsey, because it gets so convoluted.  So, basically, she is my little sis/cousin's best friend/sisterish who occasionally lives at my aunt and uncle's.  So, yeah, I did just describe it.  See? The lines are blurred between friends and family), and of course, my wonderful husband and daughter.  My aunt even made mashed potatoes especially for me because I was so sad that we didn't have any at Thanksgiving.  Also, me and my dad basically exchanged slow cookers.  I bought him one, and he bought me one. It was pretty epic.

 

New Year's Eve was spent with close friends and it involved a light saber, a Little Mermaid band, and book discussions. 

It was perfect.  Whimzy had a playmate in my friend's daughter, Ty and I had a wonderful time with friends, and it was a night that I will not soon forget.  Seriously, there was a 7 year old girl with a light saber battling my 3 year old daughter who had the box the light saber came in, and there is video proof of the band.  I got to play the bongos.  Just saying...  One of my closest friends bought me a Christmas present that I absolutely love, but neither of us has any idea of what it is.  It is like a sparkly, glass ball that looks like it was broken and glued back together. No idea of its purpose, and neither does she, but she saw it and thought of me.  She was completely right.  It is very mermaid-y, and mermaid-y things were on my Christmas list this year. Also, after New Year's, I did another present exchange and I got a Doctor Who scarf and phone case. Basically, everybody knows me very well ;)

 

The people that are consistently in my life right now have high-bred status of friends/family.  I'd like to think that I can go to my family like I would friends about random things and discuss what is on my mind.  I'd also like to think that my friends are as close to me as if we were blood-related.  Both categories, friends and family, have proved to me over and over that I am extremely lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

  Even the family and friends that I do not get to see as often as I'd like, I know that with one call they will be there, or even just listen to me gush about my new bookcase and that recipe that I tried. 

 

Whimzy is going to be surrounded by wonderful people as she grows up, with a variety of personalities and talents. I hope she takes the best away with her when she makes decisions and looks back at her life. 

 

This realization has been a long time coming.  It has taken a lot of hard times, late night phone calls, car breakdowns, and learning from my mistakes to get to this point.  And damn, I am so glad that I was so confused for so long, because I really, really appreciate the non-difference now.

 

Also, I get to combine my in-laws, good friends, and my family with a time-honored tradition in a few weeks.  Beer-thirty!!  I am ridiculously excited.

 

*Friends, in this post, are referring to the people who I consider best friends.  Not random acquaintances who don't know my favorite color or understand my obsession with socks.  These are the people who have seen my vagina at its worse (here's looking at you, Heidi!), will listen to me go on about Doctor Who, and whom my daughter knows by name. It is an exclusive list and I love everyone on it.  It also includes a few of Ty's friends who have become my besties, also.  But honestly, he mostly steals my friends.  ;)  One of his groomsmen and our usher both originated from my side of the friendship.  Now, they definitely are leaning towards Ty.

 



Not Really A Post

So, I finally bought, received, and read The Bloggess' book.  

Well, it only took me one night to read it.

There was quite a lot of highlighting involved, also crying and laughing. Sometimes all three at the same time. 

I added it to my GoodReads, and reviewed it.

Here is the link to my review:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12868761-let-s-pretend-this-never-happened

I highly recommend this book to anybody who wants to laugh, or who enjoys randomness, or who has any sort of emotional disorder.  And while you're at it, follow her blog.  She is pretty fantastic.  And no, nobody is paying me to say this, it is my honest opinion.  

I do have a real post coming, it involves the difference between friends and family. 

Desired Effects

I just want to say that after the hectic holiday season, this weekend has been like a vacation.

Yes, I did work yesterday and work again tomorrow.

Yes, I did run errands for 4 more hours after work yesterday.

Yet, right now, I feel this soul-deep contentedness.

I made roast last night, which turned out epic! Then spent the night after Whimzy went to bed spending some alone time with the hubby.

Oh, and I got new bras.  They feel wonderful.

Then, today, I did a lot of organization and made my Nana's spaghetti sauce.  Now, I am laying on the couch, catching up on one of my favorite TV shows.  All after sleeping in and being able to get out of bed and snuggle with Ty right away.  

I love this past 36 hours.

Just goes to show that I can have these moments.  Hell, I can have these 36 hours.  

I am determined to remember how I feel in this moment when I am feeling less than happy.

Oh, and I ordered a bookshelf for our kitchen, and The Bloggess' book.  Things are pretty perfect.

Next on my list to buy?

Breadbox and a bookshelf for my bedroom.  

Damn, life is good.