Gray

First of all, in the U.K. it is grey.  In the U.S, it is gray. 

Just something to say that this is an informative blog.

 

My mood is gray, with varying shades, sometimes going into the darker regions of gray that would probably be closer to charcoal or black. 

That is really the only way I can think to describe it. 

The only thing I truly want to do is sleep, and not have to wake up and jump up to do something.  A day off.  A day of no expectations, because I don't feel like I can live up to any expectations right now.

I missed work, for different reasons that I am not emotionally capable of handling or discussing right now, and I managed to pretend to be a responsible, productive adult for most of the day. 

As a good friend put it "I'm wasting time waiting to go to bed so I can get up and waste time waiting to go to bed again".  That is pretty much how I feel right now.

My chest hurts, my brain does not seem to functioning at its normal capacity, and I am going approximately 15 minutes between random crying bouts.  I'm afraid that my world is going to fall down around me and there is nothing I can do about it.  Are there signs of the impending doom?  I'm not even sure.  My anxiety is making every little thing look like the space ship from Independence Day, with no Will Smith to save the day. 

I would give anything to have a normal functioning psyche right now.  I know that the forced light hearted view of my defectiveness is about 87.56% of my personality, but when my defectiveness actually kicks in, I'd rather have a new personality. 

I mean, I was literally almost incapable of being a human being when Whimzy told me that she hated me the other night.  It sent me into this downward spiral that started at approximately 5pm on a Thursday and didn't end until somewhere around 1pm Friday.  And when I say end, I really mean that I forced myself to put real pants on and go do family things.  I would have much rather stayed in bed.

Maybe "sludge" would have been a better title.  I feel like everything that I have to do, I have to fight through sludge to do it.  A really thick, gray, slightly astringent smelling sludge.  And, of course, nobody else can see it, so it just looks like I am losing my mind or being lazy.  But, if I had chosen "sludge", I would not have been able to give you that nifty factoid.

So, I am going to go fight my personal, invisible, gray sludge to get the pirates and their ship out of my bath tub, try to relax a bit, and go to bed.  And they are not sexy, awesome pirates having a party in my bathroom, they are Disney Junior pirates and a crocodile.  Hell, I think Hook is even in there.  It is almost ridiculous.

 

P.S. If anybody knows where to find/buy wax or oils that can be used in a Scentsy type burner that smell like Earl Grey (see! British!) Tea, I would be much obliged if you would let me know in the comments.  I would really like my apartment to smell like Patrick Stewart.

Ranting and Raving

 

 

*Disclaimer:  Thanks to bad planning and then insurance issues I was off my anti-depressants for 3 days and just started them back up a few hours ago.  So, I am a bit "off" and "down". 

 

So, I bought this cute little sign for myself last night.

It is perfect for me to buy myself.

If anybody else bought it for me, I'd be pissed. 

Since figuring out that I was depressed and had anxiety issues at the age of 15, I have heard every variation of "Get Over It"; from "you're faking it for attention", to "just breathe".  My favorite?  "Just relax!". OMG!  Why didn't I think of that in this struggle?  It would have been so much easier if I had just relaxed years ago!  Bleh.  If somebody told that to a cancer patient, what would happen?  Those parents who have been into "faith healing" and letting their children get sick and die are being convicted of crimes.  Why can't that apply to parents who do not take their children's suicide threats seriously, or who ignore obvious signs of mental disorders?

 

*Yes, I know this is going on a ramble, but I did give you a disclaimer....

 

Well, it is the same reason that it is not possible for most people to call into work because of an anxiety attack.  Mental illnesses, especially emotional disorders, still are not considered "real" to most people.  I mean, to a point, I get it.  Unless you have felt it, it would seem easy to just relax. 

Unfortunately, this is a real thing.  My brain chemicals are messed up.  How I perceive things is distorted.  My coping skills are compromised.  I am on actual medication.  It comes with actual physical symptoms, besides the myriad of mental symptoms.

 

So, why am I allowed to tell myself to get over it?  Because sometimes, that is what I need to do.  But, nobody else ever tell me to get over it, because that is not their place.   Not my husband, not my family, not my friends.  Nobody else.  Nobody is in my head, nobody is feeling how I feel.  No, I don't have cancer, but I am still sick.  I can't "get over it", just like that.  When I tell myself that, it usually is accompanied by lots of crying, medication, and mental preparing.  And it usually isn't "get over it", it is "you can get past it".  I need to push past what I am feeling to live life.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Naps do help, though. 

 

So, thanks for listening to my little rant.  Sometimes, I just get so irritated by the lack of understanding of emotional disorders by the general public.  Mental health needs to be addressed and realized to be just as important as cardiac health, or any other kind of physical health.

 

Anybody have any "great" advice they've been given to deal with their issues?

Settling In

I lived in the same house until I was 16.  It was the house my Papa built, and in my mind, it was probably the only place I would ever live.  My entire future was planned out, in that house.

Then, I didn't live there anymore.

That was a really, really short summary of a long story, but that is the gist of it.

I felt like I would never feel at home again.

I felt like the next place I settled in better be IT!

Heck, for a few years, I was actively planning to buy the house back.

That passed, and yes, if I ever have the opportunity, I would love to own it (winning the lottery would help). 

Then, I just kind of figured that I would hold off on settling in anywhere because once I settled, I wanted to stay. 

Then, with Ty, it didn't matter what the place looked like, as long as there were a few choice possessions and my little family.

 

So, now with this job, I had two main goals (besides saving money); expanding my book collection (AKA building my book nook), and making our apartment more "homey".  I was finally ready to decorate.  After several years in a row of thinking we would move out next time our lease was up, and then deciding to stay for another year, it was time.  I mean, I would be here for at least another year.  I was sick of looking at blank walls, clutter, and lack of personality in my home.

So, I have been working on it. It is still a work in progress, and I still may add some more this coming weekend, but I have managed to hit both of my goals.  I have expanded my book collection, and I have made our apartment more homey.  And, I took pictures!!! 

Remember, this is a work in progress and only a few snapshots of pieces of the projects. 

^ So, this is one of my new storage pieces to help me declutter. Notice all of the Doctor Who stuff :)  This is in my living room, leading to the hallway.



 

 

^ This is in my kitchen, which we are trying to go for a brewery type style in.  I had all kinds of clutter on my counters and cook books spread out all over the place.  I found this nifty little corner bookshelf and managed to get fix both issues at once!  Oh, and I completely reorganized my cupboards, but that is neither here nor there.  Also, not worth taking pictures of.

And on to the bedroom, where most of the money has been spent!  This is on our bookshelf headboard.  It is a Mikasa bowl that my aunt got us for our bridal shower, and a message in a bottle that we picked up at Gordman's.  The nifty ball thing is a Christmas present from an awesome friend.  No idea what its purpose is, but it is pretty.  And the crystal flowers beneath are from our wedding :)  And in case anybody forgot, the bedroom is in the pirate and mermaid get married motif.

 

 

This is the corner of my night stand.  It has fishing net, a pretty bottle, my ring box, a mirror, and a mermaid sleeping in a shell :) 



These are the two middle-ish shelves of the bookshelf.
It has our treasure chest, bottle of rum (empty, of course),
and some chains, just in case! Also, notice, more books.
I am not actually sure what is going to happen when
I get more and take up all the shelf space....

So, this is my corner of the headboard.  That is the whiskey barrel from our unity ceremony (which is still fermenting!), a picture of us, and behind it is a behavioral therapy technique that I adapted to be pretty and help me remember that I am capable of getting things done.

This is also on my night stand.  It is my wedding bouquet in a nifty little rope vase.  My best friend necklaces that all of my bridesmaids have the other halves to are still on there :)

 

 

This is purely for décor.  We have a cubby shelf with random trinkets we have.  A whale (Ty is terrified of whales! lol), some rusty old keys, fake daggers, pretty shiny jewelry, a boatswain whistle...  Hoping it fills up more over time.

 

This is the top shelf of our bookshelf.  It is where I am keeping the classics and our pirate ship.  Makes sense to me...

This is the over all bookshelf!  Notice the pretty shiny things hanging (another Christmas present), the nifty artwork on top....Now, ignore the bottom 2 shelves.  I'm working on those!

This is another Christmas present we received! (People know us so well!)  Notice the eye patch....

This is the top of my dresser, filled with my shiny things and two ridiculously awesome candlestick holders, from my aunt.


So, this is what I have been working on the last few weeks!  I am hoping that there will be more pictures to come, and yes, I will be adding all of this to my Pinterest. 

P.S.  Thank you for the gifts, my family and friends! You guys know us so well ;)  Gnomes, shiny things, pirates...what would we do without you all?

P.P.S.  Here is my Pinterest link:
http://www.pinterest.com/luminessa08/
This includes all of the stuff I want to do and the stuff I have already done! Check it out :)
Plus, it has some recipes and links to my wedding blog that are pretty awesome.


So, what do you think?  Comments?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Telling Stories With Whimzy

Lately, before I put Whimzy down for bed, we "talk".

It is an effort to work on her speech skills and to calm her down for bed.

It is mostly talking about Christmas and me trying to explain to her that Santa doesn't come for her birthday.

Tonight, I decided to switch it up a bit.  Laying on our super comfy couch, with her head on my shoulder, I asked her to tell me a story. At first, she was confused, so I went first.  My first story was about a squirrel who wanted to be different so he colored himself purple.

For Whimzy's turn, she decided that same squirrel would be rainbow.

We went back and forth for a bit, her stories mostly being variations on mine.

But, then, out of nowhere, she came up with her own story!  It took some coaxing and question asking, but it was her own story, and here it is (keep in mind that I did some editing so that it is in complete sentences, but the gist of the story is all her!):

 

Once upon a time there was a family of duckies, a mommy duck, a daddy duck, and a little girl duck.

The little girl duck wanted to play hide and seek with her Daddy duck.

She got to hide first.

She found a goose and hid on his tail.

Daddy duck could not find her until she quacked.

Daddy duck knew it was her because the goose would have honked, not quacked.

The End.

 

 

Yes, everybody, that is my daughter for you! Also, there was a story about a rainbow monkey eating a tree and a giraffe getting mad at the monkey for eating his tree, at which point Whimzy asked if she could have a banana.

 

These are the nights, the stories, and the moments that I hope I remember forever. 

 

And no, I don't think the story has a moral, unless of course you want to read into my 3-year old's mind and come up with a deep meaning to this ducky story.  In fact, I encourage it!  Find the moral or meaning to this story!

Post in the comments ;)



Family and Friends, or Maybe Framily?

I've had a strange evolution of how I view the differences between family and friends*. 

For awhile, I thought that friends were the replacement for family.

Before that, I thought friends were there when you had extra time leftover from your family (when I was little, before I could manage my own time).

Now, I am in a place where I have this perfect balance of understanding the difference. 

In my case, there is not much of one.

I have been thinking back to the holidays and how I spent each one.  It was this wonderful blend of family and friends helping each other celebrate.

On Christmas Eve, after seeing the in-laws in the morning, my best friend and her beau (also a really close friend) came over to exchange presents (I gave her a stuffed appendix, like a stuffed animal, but it was an appendix...) and watch Whimzy open her presents.  Then, they helped "Santa" set up for the morning.  After Santa Christmas morning, I got to go spend the day with my family.  My Dad, my aunt and uncle, my little sis/cousin, my adopted-ish little cousin/sister (I don't know how else to describe Kelsey, because it gets so convoluted.  So, basically, she is my little sis/cousin's best friend/sisterish who occasionally lives at my aunt and uncle's.  So, yeah, I did just describe it.  See? The lines are blurred between friends and family), and of course, my wonderful husband and daughter.  My aunt even made mashed potatoes especially for me because I was so sad that we didn't have any at Thanksgiving.  Also, me and my dad basically exchanged slow cookers.  I bought him one, and he bought me one. It was pretty epic.

 

New Year's Eve was spent with close friends and it involved a light saber, a Little Mermaid band, and book discussions. 

It was perfect.  Whimzy had a playmate in my friend's daughter, Ty and I had a wonderful time with friends, and it was a night that I will not soon forget.  Seriously, there was a 7 year old girl with a light saber battling my 3 year old daughter who had the box the light saber came in, and there is video proof of the band.  I got to play the bongos.  Just saying...  One of my closest friends bought me a Christmas present that I absolutely love, but neither of us has any idea of what it is.  It is like a sparkly, glass ball that looks like it was broken and glued back together. No idea of its purpose, and neither does she, but she saw it and thought of me.  She was completely right.  It is very mermaid-y, and mermaid-y things were on my Christmas list this year. Also, after New Year's, I did another present exchange and I got a Doctor Who scarf and phone case. Basically, everybody knows me very well ;)

 

The people that are consistently in my life right now have high-bred status of friends/family.  I'd like to think that I can go to my family like I would friends about random things and discuss what is on my mind.  I'd also like to think that my friends are as close to me as if we were blood-related.  Both categories, friends and family, have proved to me over and over that I am extremely lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

  Even the family and friends that I do not get to see as often as I'd like, I know that with one call they will be there, or even just listen to me gush about my new bookcase and that recipe that I tried. 

 

Whimzy is going to be surrounded by wonderful people as she grows up, with a variety of personalities and talents. I hope she takes the best away with her when she makes decisions and looks back at her life. 

 

This realization has been a long time coming.  It has taken a lot of hard times, late night phone calls, car breakdowns, and learning from my mistakes to get to this point.  And damn, I am so glad that I was so confused for so long, because I really, really appreciate the non-difference now.

 

Also, I get to combine my in-laws, good friends, and my family with a time-honored tradition in a few weeks.  Beer-thirty!!  I am ridiculously excited.

 

*Friends, in this post, are referring to the people who I consider best friends.  Not random acquaintances who don't know my favorite color or understand my obsession with socks.  These are the people who have seen my vagina at its worse (here's looking at you, Heidi!), will listen to me go on about Doctor Who, and whom my daughter knows by name. It is an exclusive list and I love everyone on it.  It also includes a few of Ty's friends who have become my besties, also.  But honestly, he mostly steals my friends.  ;)  One of his groomsmen and our usher both originated from my side of the friendship.  Now, they definitely are leaning towards Ty.

 



Not Really A Post

So, I finally bought, received, and read The Bloggess' book.  

Well, it only took me one night to read it.

There was quite a lot of highlighting involved, also crying and laughing. Sometimes all three at the same time. 

I added it to my GoodReads, and reviewed it.

Here is the link to my review:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12868761-let-s-pretend-this-never-happened

I highly recommend this book to anybody who wants to laugh, or who enjoys randomness, or who has any sort of emotional disorder.  And while you're at it, follow her blog.  She is pretty fantastic.  And no, nobody is paying me to say this, it is my honest opinion.  

I do have a real post coming, it involves the difference between friends and family. 

Desired Effects

I just want to say that after the hectic holiday season, this weekend has been like a vacation.

Yes, I did work yesterday and work again tomorrow.

Yes, I did run errands for 4 more hours after work yesterday.

Yet, right now, I feel this soul-deep contentedness.

I made roast last night, which turned out epic! Then spent the night after Whimzy went to bed spending some alone time with the hubby.

Oh, and I got new bras.  They feel wonderful.

Then, today, I did a lot of organization and made my Nana's spaghetti sauce.  Now, I am laying on the couch, catching up on one of my favorite TV shows.  All after sleeping in and being able to get out of bed and snuggle with Ty right away.  

I love this past 36 hours.

Just goes to show that I can have these moments.  Hell, I can have these 36 hours.  

I am determined to remember how I feel in this moment when I am feeling less than happy.

Oh, and I ordered a bookshelf for our kitchen, and The Bloggess' book.  Things are pretty perfect.

Next on my list to buy?

Breadbox and a bookshelf for my bedroom.  

Damn, life is good.

Ninja? Ha! More Like A Wizard!

First of all, let me say that this post is sponsored by my Dad.  

He got us a new slow-cooker for Christmas, The Ninja.

We bought him one, too, but now I feel bad because the one we bought is not powered by magic like the Ninja obviously is (No tell tale signs of magic yet, but I am almost positive that the power cord is a farce).

I have had this box sitting in my kitchen, mocking my fear of it.  It does to much to be real.  Like, the manual makes it sound like it could pay off my student loans after getting me straight A's and cooking me nutritious and reduced fat cupcakes.  

Well, I finally took the thing out of the box.  It looks all matte black with shiny chrome buttons and much too high-tech (*cough, magic, cough*) to be sitting in my little apartment kitchen.  

All fear aside, this thing is awesome.

My schedule is really the only thing that has stopped me from using every, single function at least once.  So, I started a roast tonight, seared it (in the slow cooker!), seasoned it, and Hubby is going to start it in the morning while I am at work.  So, after work, lunch at Jq's, grocery shopping, and being out of the house for 12 hours, I will hopefully be coming home to a perfect roast.  I can also make the gravy in the darn thing when the roast is done.  

So, I will definitely be posting a review of how the roast and gravy turned out sometime in the near future.  

By the way Dad, Whimzy is also on her laptop right now doing her "homework".  

Best New Year's, Light Sabers, Changes, and Resolutions

We celebrated New Year's Eve last night with a few close friends, our daughter, and my friend's daughter.  There were light sabers involved, and then my daughter fought back with the box that the light saber came in.

Yeah, that happened.  In fact, that was a good portion of our night.  Us adults sat back with our beers, laughed and hoped to the powers that be that we didn't end up in the ER. Epic. 

In other news, I would like to do a quick recap of my 2013 and some major and minor changes that have occurred.

Of course, the first major one is that I am now Mrs. Christensen.  It was the best decision I have ever made in my life and I do not know if any thing I could ever do in my life will be as important as that one day. 

The second major one is that I decided to get on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications again.  They have made a huge difference in my life.  I am still struggling, and there is still a lot to work through, but I made the first real steps in 2013.

A minor one, directly tied to the last one, is that I got a real, paying, hourly job.  It is a fun job for me, and it is giving me some extra money to play with (Hello, $100 worth of bras!!), and gets me out of the house a bit.

Another change is how much easier I am able to lean on my support system when I need it.  I'm no longer afraid that I am going to be let down, or let to fall.  The stability is amazing and I am so thankful for the support in my life.

And now, down to the last section of the title!

Resolutions!

One of the main values that we hold as a family is that a person can continue to grow and that trying to become a better person should be a constant idea in the back of our minds.   So, we decided to do our resolutions together as our first New Year as "The Christensens".  We even sat down with Whimzy and explained it all to her and she even has four resolutions!  

I am just going to list a few of the main ones, and the reasoning behind them.

1) More playdates for Whimzy.

2) Family meal time at the table 1-2 a week.  It would be more, but with our opposite work schedules, it can be difficult.

3) Healthier eating as a family.

4) Making our bedroom a priority for our relationship as a couple. Basically, keeping it clean and making it a nice place for us to be.

5) 104 books for me to read in 2014.

6) I want to learn more about darts so that I can be more supportive of Ty's dream.

7) Ty wants to read with me once in awhile, based off of my suggestions.

8)I want to learn how to balance all of the demands of my life better.  

9) I also want to become more organized and make the apartment more organized.

10)  Ty wants to up his practice time for darts.

11) Ty wants to set more of a sleep schedule so that he isn't staying up too late after work and getting up in time to spend some time with us while I am not at work. 

12)  Ty also wants to develop weekly and monthly goals and plans as the year goes on to meet his resolutions.

13)  I want to continue making goals as I go through and make strides in my anxiety and depression.

We are all going to grow together, and I really think this is going to help us grow together instead of apart over the years.  And this is not the complete list, just some highlights of our 3 pages of resolutions.  

What are your resolutions or goals for the new year?

Have any plans to make them come true?  

Out of Context

So, this is my first real attempt to broaden my reader base, so beware.

First of all, I have been listing blog ideas in my "idea/to-do/need to buy/need to remember" notebook.  I have some awesome ideas coming up for my readers :)

First of all, I have tried keeping journals for about the past decade. I have failed miserably.  They usually end up with about 20 entries spread out across at least a year.  Most of them just being updates that seem pointless reading them in hindsight.  

That being said, I do have a few gems that I jotted down in the last couple of years of quotes from Ty, Whimzy, or myself.

So, here are some random quotes, completely out of context and your job is to figure out what was going on at the time!  The best one gets a $10 Amazon gift card sent to them :)  Here is the catch, we have to have at least 10 submissions from separate users in the comments before I will judge :)  So, share this with your friends!

Here we go!

"That tooth's name is Tammy!" - Ty

"She is going to steal my soul!" - Ty

"Omg, you stole my feather sword!" - Ty

"I'm considering yelling 'SEX TOYS' to get attention" - Me

"Whimzy is growing a unicorn horn!" - Ty

"Here's to not having dreams about golf courses and priests!" - Me

"What does doing do?"  Whimzy

"So...Hitler was an alien?" - Ty

"You smell like a gas station, why are you 2 hours late?" - Me

"Did that toilet just sing?" - Ty

"Stop being toothy and vengeful!" - Ty

"You just put the fear of vagina into me" - Ty

"Well, that is what happens when you steal the Kraken's eggs!" - Cara

"I am a pirate, afraid of the ocean!" - Ty

"Octopi are my best friend!" - Whimzy

"I can't believe that I just cried over a golf-playing triceratops" - Cara

Let's do this!!!

Best situations that you think these quotes happened in, win!  

Hint:  I am looking for the feels or the laughs ;)

Who Could've Known?

This post is specifically for 4 people.

My aunt, my uncle, my dad, and my sister.  

Over the weekend, Ty and I got to spend it together while the four of them took care of my daughter, fixed my car, and detailed it.

Whimzy had an amazing time, and now has a new best friend, Angie.

My dad played soccer with her, and she got to go shopping for a present for mommy and daddy (which she signed herself!).

Then, less than 24 hours after we got our newly cleaned and fixed car home, one of our belts blew. My uncle and aunt drove to pick my car up and he spent the entire evening fixing it, which included a freezing cold drive because the belt that blew controlled the heating.

Four years ago, I would have never thought that I would be in such a great relationship with any of them (except maybe Angie).  

We all went through some pretty terrible stuff and I didn't handle any of it well.  I was lost and scared, and despite everybody's best efforts, I couldn't seem to get past it.  Misunderstandings, lack of communication, and overall bad decisions on my part had, I thought, irreparably damaged my relationship with my family.  

Then, this weekend (and I have realized it before, but it really hit hard this weekend) I realized how much I really depend on them and how my life would be not nearly as amazing without them.  They give my daughter grandparents while my mom is incapable, and my dad is a great grandpa to her.  My holidays, big events, and everyday life all involves them somehow.  I look forward to seeing all of them, especially together.  I am constantly seeing things that remind me of each of them.  

There is no way that I will ever be able to re-pay them for the support that they have given me, or even the car cleaning/fixing that they did in the last week, but I really want them to know how much I love them, and how happy I am that I get to call them, and spend time with them.

My mom may not be able to be with me for everything, but I have an amazing aunt, uncle, and my Dad to fill that hole.  Not to mention my awesome little sister.  

I love you guys and I hope you understand how much I appreciate every one of you.

A Rarity

As promised, here is an update on my life.

I got a job.  I am a barista for a few mornings a week at a local cafe.

I do customer service, take orders, short order cooking, make drinks, and cleaning (dishes, wiping tables, etc...).  And because of my availability and Ty's job, I work opening, which means I set the cafe up and all of that fun stuff.  It is a fast paced, but a social and fun job.  My manager and owner are pretty awesome and are very understanding of my anxiety issues, as well as excellent in the way they help me improve my performance.

It feels nice to have my own cash, and last week I got my first actual pay check in almost four years!  I am able to help out with Christmas, and I have major plans for a book nook in our bedroom with my extra money.  

Tips are super nice, too.  It means every day I work, I have some extra money in my wallet.  

It has been an uphill battle.  

I spent the first few weeks dreading going to work.  I didn't think I could do it. I felt weak and exhausted.  My feet hurt, my anxiety rocketed through the roof, and if I wasn't at work, I was incapable of anything because I was so worn down from the anxiety of being at work.

And, this is a job that I enjoy doing.  I rock at it.

Well, yesterday, I had an amazing day at work.

My feet didn't hurt quite so much, my anxiety didn't kick in, and I didn't come home and become useless.  I actually got quite a bit done when I got home.

My cash tips were higher than normal, and I had more positive interaction with some of the major regulars.

And now today, I got to sleep in (thanks to Ty), and I have kicked butt.  I even baked a cake!  Gonna frost it after I finish this and I'm sure that Whimzy has eaten enough dinner.  

It feels wonderful to feel productive and happy.  

The next few weeks are going to be very hectic, though.  Busy and little time to unwind from work, school, and being Mommy.  Also, today was probably my last day to sleep past 6:30 am for a few weeks.  And, sleeping in is one of my major sanity savers.  

I am cautiously excited that I found a perfect blend of vitamins and meds to get me through life right now, but I am also scared to death that this is a fluke and I am going to crash.  

On the plus side, I have some awesome blog ideas for you guys!  I hope to notch up my level of funny, because, let me tell you, I hear the craziest things at work!

I also plan on writing more, especially now that my life is a little bit more exciting and varied.  I hope that those of you that have been reading continue to read, and I hope that you tell your friends about me :)  It makes me feel special ;)

Until later, lovers!

<3<3<3

Thankful

Wow, it has been over a month since I posted.

A lot has happened since then.

But, that shall be for another post!

This post is about Thanksgiving, and all of the things that I am thankful for!

I am going to make a list, some will be serious and some will be the little things that keep me going everyday, despite the crazy inside my head.

1. First and foremost, my family.  This is divided into 4 separate parts.

A) Ty.  It has been almost exactly 6 months since I became Mrs. Ty Christensen, and every day he continues to amaze me.  I love him and appreciate him more every moment that passes. His sense of humor, his sense of pride, his love for us, his patience and acceptance.  I always thought that unconditional love was a myth, but he proves it true every time I screw up, every time I am weak, every time the crazy pokes out.

B) Whimzy.  She is so smart, and funny.  She lays on me, tells me how amazing I am, loves to read, is obsessed with moon, and wears the hat that Nana knitted for me way better than I ever did.  She lights up my world and gives me something to be better for.

C) The rest of my family.  My aunt and uncle, who are more like a Mom and Dad, the cousin, who I have chosen to call sister, my Dad, who I am so grateful to becoming closer to, and my mom, who still loves me, even though she can't always remember who I am.  I have a wonderful support system, and am so, so thankful for it.

D) My new family.  I am Christensen now.  I have a whole other side of a family to call my own.  I have two new brothers, and a new sister!  Not to mention a gaggle of cousins and aunts and uncles!  (Like really, ALOT!!!) I have nephews, who are as old as I am. lol.  I have a mother-in-law that we are trying to mend fences with, and quite a few other people that I am now related to that I am thankful for (Uncle Randy, Auntie Nancy, Shana).  

2.  I am thankful for my friends.  Friends close enough that I consider them family.  It is a short list, but it is an important list.  They helped shape me into who I am today.  And everyday, they amaze me.  From borrowing my toilet seat, to being my go-to person for book recommendations, to my friend that I stay up with until 1 am just talking, to my friend that has been there through everything and still helps me take care of my mom.  Not to mention my guy friends, my absolutely awesome guys that listen to my ranting and raving when Ty is at work.  I can really only think of five...lol.  Kyle, Eric, JR, Brad, and Patrick.   You all make me a better person, and I look forward to sharing the rest of my triumphs and failures with you.  And let's be honest, the failures are usually more amusing than the triumphs, because when I fail, I do it in an epic fashion.
Also, friends of the family that I am thankful for everyday!  Joan & family, the Telohs, Cheryl Wood McCoy...jeez...there are a bunch :)

3.  I am thankful for my job.  No, scratch that, I am thankful that I am able to work.  Not just because of the economy, but because I had some serious doubts that I was capable of it.  I applied to one place and got in.  Not too shabby.  I am still adjusting, and it may take some time, but I'm doing okay with it.  Also, I have extra money now!  I get to make the apartment nicer, spoil Whimzy, and after Christmas, I am building myself a mini-reading nook!  All because of my job!

4. I am thankful for Doctor Who, and the fandom surrounding it.  I enjoy being a fangirl :)

5. I am thankful for my talents, which include the ability to fake being perky, cooking, reading, and cuddling. And yes, cuddling is a talent.

6.  I am thankful for my abundance of pillows, including my Ninja Turtle pillow that only gets brought out when he is really needed.

7.  I am thankful for onion rings and coke floats.

8.  I am thankful for my couch.  It is so darn comfy.

9.  I am thankful for my Doctor Who socks, they help me take on the world.

10.  I am thankful for my therapist and psychiatrist.  They are helping me become stronger, for myself. They are helping me realize my potential and showing me that I am worth something.

11.  I am thankful to all of my authors.  They take me away, give me mini-vacations, and help me deal with reality by replacing my own with theirs for a short period of time.  

12.  I am thankful for Netflix and Hulu.  They help keep me sane.

13. I am thankful for my apartment.  It is often messy, but it is ours.  It reflects who we are as a family and we are a pretty awesome family ;)

14.  I am thankful for the ladies who wax my eyebrows.  'Nuff said.

15.  I am thankful for good smells, whether it is Whimzy's hair after a bath, wood burning, something good cooking, or a candle, good smells make me happy.

16.  I am thankful to the wonderful lady bloggers who share their struggles and their good days with the rest of us.  Especially Hyperbole and a Half and the Bloggess.  Both of these ladies have made a tremendous impact in my life.  Not only do they help me, but they help me explain my issues to people around me.  My dad does not quite understand, he is trying, but he doesn't understand.  Using these ladies, I am able to articulate and show him what it is like better.  They inspire me, and they make me feel less alone and less crazy.  

17.  I am thankful for school.  Lately, I've been slacking, but I'm going at it gung-ho for this class and getting my mojo back.  

18.  I am thankful for the memories that everybody in my life (past and present) has given me.  From Nana and Papa, to old friends, they have helped shape my world and my perspectives.  

19.  I am thankful for stability.  My life is stable.  I love it.

20.  I am thankful for cute and fuzzy things.  

21.  I am thankful for acceptance that I have from the people who know me the best.

Okay, well I am sure there is more, but these are the major things!! 

What are you thankful for?  Silly or serious :)

In Response to Some Inspiration

I regularly read a blog by "The Bloggess".  She is a wonderful writer, funny, and has some issues of her own.  She often inspires me and makes me feel not so alone. 

Well, one of her blogs recently made me want to reply and comment to it, but I didn't think I had enough room in the comment box, so I am going to write on here and post the link to her comment box. 

So, here is the post:

http://thebloggess.com/2013/09/is-it-just-me/

Read it before you proceed.  

But in case you don't...

Basically, the post is about how no matter how much she accomplishes she always feels inadequate.  Compliments make her feel terrible because she feels like she is an impostor.  This is coming from a New York Time's Best Selling Author, an author of one the most popular female blogs, and a general inspiration to probably thousands of people.  

She asks the question "Is It Just Me?"

I am going to tell her, through this, that it isn't.

I feel like that all of the time.

Granted, I am not as accomplished as she is, but I have made some difficult strides in the past few years.

My daughter is smart, I make decent grades in school, I am a great cook, I cultured some amazing relationships, and I bagged a pretty great husband.  I earned my first degree last year, and hopefully should have my BS by the end of next year.  

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  Despite my anxiety meds and some Valerian to help me sleep, I laid in bed for 3 hours, in the dark, doing nothing but thinking.  In fact, I felt downright woozy.  My thoughts were going in circles and I just couldn't shut it off.

So, finally, 3 hours later, I got up to do homework.  I figured even if I was drugged, I should get something done.  And it is usually at about this time that I come up with all of the awesome stuff that I am going to do the next day, and make plans for the next few weeks.  

This is a brief summary of my thought process last night:

I really want french toast!  I am going to make french toast in the morning.  I am going to text Ty and ask him to grab me some energy stuff to take first thing in the morning and do the dishes and then make french toast.  Good moms do crafts, too!   Maybe I should set up a craft for Whimzy, because good moms do crafts.  Ooh, and I need to finish all of my library books!  Maybe I'll stay up late all week and do just that.  I should set up a cleaning schedule, too.  I mean, one for just this week.  The apartment is messy.  I need to clean it.  And I have to make that soup that I bought stuff for.  I have to go see my mom, too.  Get on that more.  That essay is due tomorrow, too!  And Whimzy needs more snacks for school.  I will do dishes, make french toast, get Whimzy ready for school, get her to school, stop at the store, then come home and cuddle Ty for a bit.  Then write my essay, make dinner, do dishes again, put Whimzy to bed, and read until Ty gets home from darts!  It will be an epic day and I will feel amazing and this will be the start of a new life!

So, there were my thoughts from last night.  

Guess what happened?  Well, Whimzy did get to school, and I do have pants on.  That is a decent day for me lately.  I'm also using this to procrastinate writing my essay.  It will get done, but right now my brain does not feel like performing a job analysis or well...doing much more than being introspective and cuddling.  I will probably make dinner, too.  I have to feed Whimzy.  If it wasn't for her, I'd probably just skip it, but that would be neglect.

I am also in the beginning stages of getting meds straight, so I know my days will get better, but no, Bloggess, you are not alone.  

I should have had a my BS years ago, I should be a better mom, I should be better at this domestic stuff, and I should....  

This list could go on.  And yes, I feel guilty about it all.  I cry because of it.  

*sigh*

Damn crafts.

Good moms do crafts...

Chin Up Buttercup

I have spent the last few days emotional and a bit out of it.

The higher dosage of my meds made me a bit flighty, or as my uncle put it, I seemed "high and drunk". 

Well, it seems to have evened out and am feeling a little bit more stable and less crazy.

I feel a little bit more motivated to get things done.

I feel like I can do this.

I also want to cry, a lot.

My therapist appointment actually had me crying because I had to face some things that have happened in my life that I have not even spoken about since they happened.  That was the first time I felt like I had really had a purpose in therapy.  So, because of the progress, my therapy is going to be upped to once a week until I start feeling like I am not going to drown in a pool of despair.  

I have a Halloween party this week, a child friendly one with good friends, and I am not that nervous.  A couple months ago I would have been terrified.  I see that as progress.

My psychiatrist also asked me to pick one goal for my life to make several aspects of my life better.  I chose cooking.  I haven't been cooking.  I missed it, but haven't made any attempts lately to do anything that didn't come out of a box.  So, this weekend I have a soup and a cookie recipe that I am going to do.   I also have a dip recipe for the party :)

I am moving forward, and in a deep way.  A way that means that I might be healing some wounds that have festered and keep causing me issues.

As a psych major, I am working towards becoming more psychologically healthy and now that I know exactly what that means, I think I can do it, eventually.

I love everybody that has been there for me, through the good and the bad.  And trust me, there was a lot of bad.  I hope that the better I get, the more I can make the people who stood by me proud of who I am becoming.  

I am so lucky that I have my husband, family, and friends who have been here and have accepted me and my issues. 

Okay, off to catch up on some homework and dive back into my school stuff! 

Then, housework...lol.  

Life is good, and I am going to enjoy it, despite the lipgloss art in the bathroom that I am dreading cleaning up.  Thank you, Whimzy for that....

My Road To Recovery: Both Vaginally and Psychologically

Let's start this out with a rant.

My chemical burns are pretty much gone.  

My nether regions should feel awesome, right?

WRONG!

Due to the antibiotics from the burns, I have a pretty severe (my gyno actually got me a prescription because she didn't think an OTC medication would work) yeast infection.  Not nearly as painful, but way more itchy.  So, no sex for another at least nights and yeah...

My vagina hates me.  

In other, in less TMI news, I just had an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I think it was the best appointment I have ever had with a psychiatrist.

Not only did she explain my medication change to me, but she offered behavioral tips to me and advice on what I should talk to my therapist about.

She explained my behavior and emotions to me without making me feel like I have done something wrong and like it was something that I could fix. 

Basically, my anxiety has been getting better, but because I am not constantly dealing with my anxiety, my depression has taken center stage.  She also thinks that I am too hard on myself, that I have lots of unresolved emotions and sadness, and that I need to work that out before I can move forward psychologically and emotionally.

It makes sense.

So, I have a slightly better plan, higher dosage of meds, and a little more hope than I had this morning.  

I also have anti-itch cream that I didn't have this morning, but we aren't going to discuss that anymore. 

I feel a little less broken than I did this morning.

It is refreshing and I hope that I can keep it up.

Also, completely unrelated, my husband is actually dusting our ceiling fan right now.  I had been informed before I left earlier that he would probably be passed out when I got home.  Then, I got home and he was cleaning.  He's done dishes, tidied, washed the kitchen floor, vacuumed, straightened the living room, and is now dusting the fan.  I'm not sure what has gotten into him, but I like it! 

I've Snapped Like A Bad Glow-Stick

First off, for those of you who may have been worried, my burned nether regions are healing nicely.   Should survive with no lasting damage.

I was going to follow up last week, but when you have a burned vagina, all you can think about is your burned vagina and how if you don't move, you may not have to swear at your burned vagina again.

So, since I figured you guys didn't want to hear a whole post about it, I refrained from posting.  It was difficult.  I really needed to vent.  Mostly I called my friends and laughed about it.

So, I had the most boring weekend EVER.  I was finally feeling a little bit better and after cleaning out my mom's nursing home closet and going back to my gyno for my yearly on Friday, I figured we could do something fun on Saturday.  Mostly, I didn't want the highlights of my weekend to be the gynecologist.  

And....

The hubby gets stomach flu.  So, we did absolutely nothing all weekend.

Then, out of nowhere, last night I get a fever.  I don't know how bad it was because my lovely little girl hid the thermometer on us, but it was very uncomfortable, hot, and shivery all at the same time.  

Today?

I feel like I'm drugs.  I just sat here and laughed til I cried over not noticing a hat next to me. Like, Ty asked me for his hat, I told him I didn't know where it was and he pointed next to me, and I started giggling so hard I couldn't throw him the damn hat.  I feel all floaty.  Yes, damn it, it is a word.  There is no other word than floaty that describes how I feel. 

So, I am pretty sure I've snapped.

Tonight, Ty is going to get home and I am going to be sitting on the kitchen floor giggling and talking to a head of lettuce.  I mean, this is better than snapping and murdering my whole family and as of right now I am able to form full sentences, but still disconcerting.  

*sigh*

I should enjoy feeling floaty, it is much better than feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.