Monday, February 3, 2014


First of all, in the U.K. it is grey.  In the U.S, it is gray. 
Just something to say that this is an informative blog.
My mood is gray, with varying shades, sometimes going into the darker regions of gray that would probably be closer to charcoal or black. 
That is really the only way I can think to describe it. 
The only thing I truly want to do is sleep, and not have to wake up and jump up to do something.  A day off.  A day of no expectations, because I don't feel like I can live up to any expectations right now.
I missed work, for different reasons that I am not emotionally capable of handling or discussing right now, and I managed to pretend to be a responsible, productive adult for most of the day. 
As a good friend put it "I'm wasting time waiting to go to bed so I can get up and waste time waiting to go to bed again".  That is pretty much how I feel right now.
My chest hurts, my brain does not seem to functioning at its normal capacity, and I am going approximately 15 minutes between random crying bouts.  I'm afraid that my world is going to fall down around me and there is nothing I can do about it.  Are there signs of the impending doom?  I'm not even sure.  My anxiety is making every little thing look like the space ship from Independence Day, with no Will Smith to save the day. 
I would give anything to have a normal functioning psyche right now.  I know that the forced light hearted view of my defectiveness is about 87.56% of my personality, but when my defectiveness actually kicks in, I'd rather have a new personality. 
I mean, I was literally almost incapable of being a human being when Whimzy told me that she hated me the other night.  It sent me into this downward spiral that started at approximately 5pm on a Thursday and didn't end until somewhere around 1pm Friday.  And when I say end, I really mean that I forced myself to put real pants on and go do family things.  I would have much rather stayed in bed.
Maybe "sludge" would have been a better title.  I feel like everything that I have to do, I have to fight through sludge to do it.  A really thick, gray, slightly astringent smelling sludge.  And, of course, nobody else can see it, so it just looks like I am losing my mind or being lazy.  But, if I had chosen "sludge", I would not have been able to give you that nifty factoid.
So, I am going to go fight my personal, invisible, gray sludge to get the pirates and their ship out of my bath tub, try to relax a bit, and go to bed.  And they are not sexy, awesome pirates having a party in my bathroom, they are Disney Junior pirates and a crocodile.  Hell, I think Hook is even in there.  It is almost ridiculous.
P.S. If anybody knows where to find/buy wax or oils that can be used in a Scentsy type burner that smell like Earl Grey (see! British!) Tea, I would be much obliged if you would let me know in the comments.  I would really like my apartment to smell like Patrick Stewart.

No comments:

Post a Comment