Friday, August 30, 2013

Roller Coaster

Right now, I want to cry.
I want to go curl up in bed and pretend the world does not exist for awhile.
Absolutely no reason.
My chest hurts, my stomach hurts, and I feel like I am being crushed to death by my own expectations.
I cooked, I baked, I shopped, I did things today that should have made me happy.
They didn't. 
It makes me feel broken.
Why can't I just enjoy life?
This morning, when I got up to run errands, I felt like I could take on the world.
Then, I crashed. 
No warning.
I know, I just need to wait for the meds to even out.  My brain chemicals are all wonky and need to settle down.  I'll feel better, then. 
Just not having an optimistic day, I guess. 
I know it hurts and frustrates my hubby to see me like this and I don't know how to not be like this. 
Well, I have to go do homework.
Wish me luck that this ride doesn't take another downward slide.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Progress Notes

It has been a week since I started my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
I have to admit, last week was hell on wheels.
I felt like a zombie, to the point that if I had pants on, it was a good day.
Apartment was trashed, Whimzy had convenience food way more than I care to admit, and I could barely keep my eyes open. 
Today, though, despite some personal and financial setbacks in my life, I feel wonderful. I got most of my to-do list done and I finished a book. It could be a fluke.  It probably is a fluke.  I am holding out hope, though. This is the first time in my life that I haven't been in the middle of a crisis and trying to take meds.  Also, this is the first time that I am taking them correctly.
I am desperately hoping that these medications will help even me out now that my life has evened out a bit. 
I'll write how I feel throughout this journey and hope that it reaches somebody that needs it and hope that it helps me through it, too.
Let's see...other than being a zombie for a week, not much has happened.
I am holding out, though, I have a couple of recipes that I want to put on here soon.  I may have gone on a crescent roll kick.
Ty has been wonderful through this.  He has been understanding and helpful and has let me be lazy and encouraged the moments that I felt motivated to do something.  I don't know what I would do without him. 
Now, I am going to go get rid of a terrible case of the hiccups somehow (any tips?) and relax for a bit before bed.  

Monday, August 12, 2013

Good-Bye Day Drinking

What a day.
So much is changing, so much is progressing.
I had my psychiatric appointment today.
Despite my best efforts, I could not fight my anxiety demons alone and enlisted help from medications that will alter my brain chemistry.
Seems dramatic, but trust me, my brain could use some re-wiring.
It was harder than I thought it would be.
Turns out, it is a lot harder to admit defeat to someone I only met a few minutes ago than it is to my family, or even a faceless blog audience.
I cried, a lot.  I also made a terrible joke about loving waterproof mascara because it helps hide my crazy.
Oops.  Still love waterproof mascara, though.
So, tonight, I have my last sip of alcohol for a long while and contemplate what I will do with myself when I reach normal functioning level.
Just in case altering my brain chemistry isn’t enough for one day, though, my lil Whimzy pooped in the potty for the first time!  Which she then directly neutralized by getting into my make-up and getting lip stain all over herself.  That stuff shouldn’t stay on for too long, right? Make-up remover wipes and elbow grease didn’t cut it, so I guess I have to deal with it until it comes off. 
So, here is hoping that changes are positive steps forward! 

I mean, pooping on a  potty is always a step forward, but I dread what new complications can arise from this.  Poop in the sink? God, I can't even contemplate this right now.