I regularly read a blog by "The Bloggess". She is a wonderful writer, funny, and has some issues of her own. She often inspires me and makes me feel not so alone.
Well, one of her blogs recently made me want to reply and comment to it, but I didn't think I had enough room in the comment box, so I am going to write on here and post the link to her comment box.
So, here is the post:
Read it before you proceed.
But in case you don't...
Basically, the post is about how no matter how much she accomplishes she always feels inadequate. Compliments make her feel terrible because she feels like she is an impostor. This is coming from a New York Time's Best Selling Author, an author of one the most popular female blogs, and a general inspiration to probably thousands of people.
She asks the question "Is It Just Me?"
I am going to tell her, through this, that it isn't.
I feel like that all of the time.
Granted, I am not as accomplished as she is, but I have made some difficult strides in the past few years.
My daughter is smart, I make decent grades in school, I am a great cook, I cultured some amazing relationships, and I bagged a pretty great husband. I earned my first degree last year, and hopefully should have my BS by the end of next year.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. Despite my anxiety meds and some Valerian to help me sleep, I laid in bed for 3 hours, in the dark, doing nothing but thinking. In fact, I felt downright woozy. My thoughts were going in circles and I just couldn't shut it off.
So, finally, 3 hours later, I got up to do homework. I figured even if I was drugged, I should get something done. And it is usually at about this time that I come up with all of the awesome stuff that I am going to do the next day, and make plans for the next few weeks.
This is a brief summary of my thought process last night:
I really want french toast! I am going to make french toast in the morning. I am going to text Ty and ask him to grab me some energy stuff to take first thing in the morning and do the dishes and then make french toast. Good moms do crafts, too! Maybe I should set up a craft for Whimzy, because good moms do crafts. Ooh, and I need to finish all of my library books! Maybe I'll stay up late all week and do just that. I should set up a cleaning schedule, too. I mean, one for just this week. The apartment is messy. I need to clean it. And I have to make that soup that I bought stuff for. I have to go see my mom, too. Get on that more. That essay is due tomorrow, too! And Whimzy needs more snacks for school. I will do dishes, make french toast, get Whimzy ready for school, get her to school, stop at the store, then come home and cuddle Ty for a bit. Then write my essay, make dinner, do dishes again, put Whimzy to bed, and read until Ty gets home from darts! It will be an epic day and I will feel amazing and this will be the start of a new life!
So, there were my thoughts from last night.
Guess what happened? Well, Whimzy did get to school, and I do have pants on. That is a decent day for me lately. I'm also using this to procrastinate writing my essay. It will get done, but right now my brain does not feel like performing a job analysis or well...doing much more than being introspective and cuddling. I will probably make dinner, too. I have to feed Whimzy. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably just skip it, but that would be neglect.
I am also in the beginning stages of getting meds straight, so I know my days will get better, but no, Bloggess, you are not alone.
I should have had a my BS years ago, I should be a better mom, I should be better at this domestic stuff, and I should....
This list could go on. And yes, I feel guilty about it all. I cry because of it.
Good moms do crafts...