Monday, October 21, 2013

In Response to Some Inspiration

I regularly read a blog by "The Bloggess".  She is a wonderful writer, funny, and has some issues of her own.  She often inspires me and makes me feel not so alone. 

Well, one of her blogs recently made me want to reply and comment to it, but I didn't think I had enough room in the comment box, so I am going to write on here and post the link to her comment box. 

So, here is the post:

Read it before you proceed.  

But in case you don't...
Basically, the post is about how no matter how much she accomplishes she always feels inadequate.  Compliments make her feel terrible because she feels like she is an impostor.  This is coming from a New York Time's Best Selling Author, an author of one the most popular female blogs, and a general inspiration to probably thousands of people.  

She asks the question "Is It Just Me?"

I am going to tell her, through this, that it isn't.

I feel like that all of the time.
Granted, I am not as accomplished as she is, but I have made some difficult strides in the past few years.
My daughter is smart, I make decent grades in school, I am a great cook, I cultured some amazing relationships, and I bagged a pretty great husband.  I earned my first degree last year, and hopefully should have my BS by the end of next year.  

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  Despite my anxiety meds and some Valerian to help me sleep, I laid in bed for 3 hours, in the dark, doing nothing but thinking.  In fact, I felt downright woozy.  My thoughts were going in circles and I just couldn't shut it off.
So, finally, 3 hours later, I got up to do homework.  I figured even if I was drugged, I should get something done.  And it is usually at about this time that I come up with all of the awesome stuff that I am going to do the next day, and make plans for the next few weeks.  
This is a brief summary of my thought process last night:

I really want french toast!  I am going to make french toast in the morning.  I am going to text Ty and ask him to grab me some energy stuff to take first thing in the morning and do the dishes and then make french toast.  Good moms do crafts, too!   Maybe I should set up a craft for Whimzy, because good moms do crafts.  Ooh, and I need to finish all of my library books!  Maybe I'll stay up late all week and do just that.  I should set up a cleaning schedule, too.  I mean, one for just this week.  The apartment is messy.  I need to clean it.  And I have to make that soup that I bought stuff for.  I have to go see my mom, too.  Get on that more.  That essay is due tomorrow, too!  And Whimzy needs more snacks for school.  I will do dishes, make french toast, get Whimzy ready for school, get her to school, stop at the store, then come home and cuddle Ty for a bit.  Then write my essay, make dinner, do dishes again, put Whimzy to bed, and read until Ty gets home from darts!  It will be an epic day and I will feel amazing and this will be the start of a new life!

So, there were my thoughts from last night.  

Guess what happened?  Well, Whimzy did get to school, and I do have pants on.  That is a decent day for me lately.  I'm also using this to procrastinate writing my essay.  It will get done, but right now my brain does not feel like performing a job analysis or well...doing much more than being introspective and cuddling.  I will probably make dinner, too.  I have to feed Whimzy.  If it wasn't for her, I'd probably just skip it, but that would be neglect.

I am also in the beginning stages of getting meds straight, so I know my days will get better, but no, Bloggess, you are not alone.  
I should have had a my BS years ago, I should be a better mom, I should be better at this domestic stuff, and I should....  
This list could go on.  And yes, I feel guilty about it all.  I cry because of it.  

Damn crafts.
Good moms do crafts...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Chin Up Buttercup

I have spent the last few days emotional and a bit out of it.
The higher dosage of my meds made me a bit flighty, or as my uncle put it, I seemed "high and drunk". 
Well, it seems to have evened out and am feeling a little bit more stable and less crazy.
I feel a little bit more motivated to get things done.
I feel like I can do this.
I also want to cry, a lot.
My therapist appointment actually had me crying because I had to face some things that have happened in my life that I have not even spoken about since they happened.  That was the first time I felt like I had really had a purpose in therapy.  So, because of the progress, my therapy is going to be upped to once a week until I start feeling like I am not going to drown in a pool of despair.  
I have a Halloween party this week, a child friendly one with good friends, and I am not that nervous.  A couple months ago I would have been terrified.  I see that as progress.
My psychiatrist also asked me to pick one goal for my life to make several aspects of my life better.  I chose cooking.  I haven't been cooking.  I missed it, but haven't made any attempts lately to do anything that didn't come out of a box.  So, this weekend I have a soup and a cookie recipe that I am going to do.   I also have a dip recipe for the party :)
I am moving forward, and in a deep way.  A way that means that I might be healing some wounds that have festered and keep causing me issues.
As a psych major, I am working towards becoming more psychologically healthy and now that I know exactly what that means, I think I can do it, eventually.

I love everybody that has been there for me, through the good and the bad.  And trust me, there was a lot of bad.  I hope that the better I get, the more I can make the people who stood by me proud of who I am becoming.  
I am so lucky that I have my husband, family, and friends who have been here and have accepted me and my issues. 

Okay, off to catch up on some homework and dive back into my school stuff! 
Life is good, and I am going to enjoy it, despite the lipgloss art in the bathroom that I am dreading cleaning up.  Thank you, Whimzy for that....

Thursday, October 10, 2013

My Road To Recovery: Both Vaginally and Psychologically

Let's start this out with a rant.
My chemical burns are pretty much gone.  
My nether regions should feel awesome, right?
Due to the antibiotics from the burns, I have a pretty severe (my gyno actually got me a prescription because she didn't think an OTC medication would work) yeast infection.  Not nearly as painful, but way more itchy.  So, no sex for another at least nights and yeah...
My vagina hates me.  

In other, in less TMI news, I just had an appointment with my psychiatrist.
I think it was the best appointment I have ever had with a psychiatrist.
Not only did she explain my medication change to me, but she offered behavioral tips to me and advice on what I should talk to my therapist about.
She explained my behavior and emotions to me without making me feel like I have done something wrong and like it was something that I could fix. 
Basically, my anxiety has been getting better, but because I am not constantly dealing with my anxiety, my depression has taken center stage.  She also thinks that I am too hard on myself, that I have lots of unresolved emotions and sadness, and that I need to work that out before I can move forward psychologically and emotionally.
It makes sense.
So, I have a slightly better plan, higher dosage of meds, and a little more hope than I had this morning.  

I also have anti-itch cream that I didn't have this morning, but we aren't going to discuss that anymore. 

I feel a little less broken than I did this morning.
It is refreshing and I hope that I can keep it up.

Also, completely unrelated, my husband is actually dusting our ceiling fan right now.  I had been informed before I left earlier that he would probably be passed out when I got home.  Then, I got home and he was cleaning.  He's done dishes, tidied, washed the kitchen floor, vacuumed, straightened the living room, and is now dusting the fan.  I'm not sure what has gotten into him, but I like it! 

Monday, October 7, 2013

I've Snapped Like A Bad Glow-Stick

First off, for those of you who may have been worried, my burned nether regions are healing nicely.   Should survive with no lasting damage.
I was going to follow up last week, but when you have a burned vagina, all you can think about is your burned vagina and how if you don't move, you may not have to swear at your burned vagina again.
So, since I figured you guys didn't want to hear a whole post about it, I refrained from posting.  It was difficult.  I really needed to vent.  Mostly I called my friends and laughed about it.
So, I had the most boring weekend EVER.  I was finally feeling a little bit better and after cleaning out my mom's nursing home closet and going back to my gyno for my yearly on Friday, I figured we could do something fun on Saturday.  Mostly, I didn't want the highlights of my weekend to be the gynecologist.  
The hubby gets stomach flu.  So, we did absolutely nothing all weekend.
Then, out of nowhere, last night I get a fever.  I don't know how bad it was because my lovely little girl hid the thermometer on us, but it was very uncomfortable, hot, and shivery all at the same time.  
I feel like I'm drugs.  I just sat here and laughed til I cried over not noticing a hat next to me. Like, Ty asked me for his hat, I told him I didn't know where it was and he pointed next to me, and I started giggling so hard I couldn't throw him the damn hat.  I feel all floaty.  Yes, damn it, it is a word.  There is no other word than floaty that describes how I feel. 

So, I am pretty sure I've snapped.
Tonight, Ty is going to get home and I am going to be sitting on the kitchen floor giggling and talking to a head of lettuce.  I mean, this is better than snapping and murdering my whole family and as of right now I am able to form full sentences, but still disconcerting.  


I should enjoy feeling floaty, it is much better than feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.