Sunday, June 30, 2013

Spaghetti and Disappointment

Yesterday I made spaghetti.
Homemade spaghetti with the sauce based on my Nana's recipe.
It takes at least six hours to cook and because of the tradition, it is a bit of an event when I do make it.
When I started it yesterday morning, I had all sorts of fun ideas about a blog that I could incorporate the spaghetti into.  Ideas about how my family life growing up gave me an emotional dependence on food, how making this traditional dish made me feel better, how I have one giant wooden spoon that only gets used for making spaghetti, how nostalgic the smell of the sauce made me...
All of these ideas circulating as I dumped the cans of tomato in the sauce pot.
Even more ideas as I thought about how anxious I was (for no reason), and how this comfort food would help. 
The spaghetti was amazing.  I plan on making meatball bombers for the hubby this week with the sauce and enjoying leftovers for at least a few days.
The disappointment?  It did not leave me with a feeling of contentment like I wanted.  I wanted to sit back after eating and breathe a sigh of relief. 
I didn't.
I ate, then realized how big of a mess making spaghetti is.
Not quite as relaxing as I would have liked. 
Maybe this means that I need to look deeper for contentment.
Maybe this means that I need to start making bigger life changes and not base my moods on the hope that spaghetti will fix my ailments. 
Maybe I think too much....

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Divided Self

I am having a party tonight.
A small get together of people with pizza and alcohol.
I will be surrounded by family and friends, people whom I trust and love.
This will be the first social engagement that I am doing since my wedding, almost a month ago.
One part of me, the most basic part of my personality, is excited.  This part of me loves being with friends, drinking, dancing, and would probably prefer to go out and meet new people over having the party at our apartment.  This part of me is ready to party, get all gussied up, and take selfies with my best friends.  This part of me cannot wait for the doorbell to ring.
Unfortunately, there is a second part of me.  This second part overrides most of the other feelings.  This is the anxious part.  This is the part that is terrified to be surrounded by people.  This is the part that would rather cancel the whole thing and curl up in bed, or on the couch with a movie.  This is the part that makes me dread every single time I have to interact with people.  This is the part that turns all of my excitement into fear. 
This is what I deal with every single time that I have to do anything.  This deep fear of nothing. 
So, here I sit, divided.
I am making the decision to ignore the second part to the best of my ability.
I am making the decision to take some deep breaths and try to hold on to that excitement.
Sometimes, it is hard to make those decisions.
Sometimes, I am weak and give-in.
Sometimes, a night out or with people is not worth the struggle.
Tonight, it will be worth it.
Tonight, I am going to have a good time.
Tonight, I am going to look gorgeous and my best friend is going to tell me that my boobs look fabulous. 
Tonight, I am going to spend time with some amazing people and love my life.
I can do this.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

New Blog :)

 I wrote a wedding blog and decided that I enjoyed it.
So, I am going to keep going :)
After spending a ton of time wondering how I was going to keep going and keep my sanity, I realized that the two main things that helped me through everyday were caffeine and optimism. 
So, my blog name :)
I was going add whiskey, but the hubby vetoed that addition. 
Let's be honest, though...
Anyways, since I am going to try and push this to people who aren't in my immediate circle, I am going to introduce myself!
My name is Cara.  I am a 26 year old living in Wisconsin.
I have one daughter and am a newlywed :)
I am a psych major at an online school, hoping that I can beat my anxiety issues to eventually have a career in the field.
I am desperately in love, a little bit damaged (but getting better everyday!), a huge nerd, a bibliophile, love cooking and still want to grow up to be a mermaid or Spice Girl.
I hate running, peas, and ignorant people.
My favorite physical traits are my eyes and boobs. 
I am working on losing weight, organizing my life, and helping my daughter with her speech. 
I am hoping to use this blog as an outlet for my feelings, Pinterest inspirations, and just a place to write about whatever is going on in my head.  I have a couple women whose blogs I love and they inspired me to write.  Maybe my daily struggles and triumphs can help other people out there! 
I also can't promise how often I will write.  Inspiration is a fickle thing, and when I am not inspired I am ridiculously boring.
I also can't promise I won't ramble.  I like to ramble.
I also like to buzz-write, so there may be some drunken posts.
On an ending note, I am going to post how my wedding went.
It was great.  No big hiccups, except for what I thought was allergies making my eyes red.  Thankfully I trusted my photographer to edit that out of the pics.
We left for the honeymoon the day after the wedding and I felt miserable.  Still blaming my allergies, I loaded up on benadryl, dayquil, and energy shots.  Still feeling crappy the day after we got home, I went to the ER.  I had pink eye and strep throat.  Which, thanks to crappy meds, turned into a terrible eye infection in both eyes that I am still getting over...3 weeks later.  I also gave it to two of my bridesmaids and my aunt.  Ooops.  So, I will also probably be writing about my cabin fever and how I am going crazy and how my hubby shouldn't be allowed to grocery shop without me.
And to make you laugh before I sign out...
What happens when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino (say it out loud!)