Saturday, June 22, 2013

Divided Self

I am having a party tonight.
A small get together of people with pizza and alcohol.
I will be surrounded by family and friends, people whom I trust and love.
This will be the first social engagement that I am doing since my wedding, almost a month ago.
One part of me, the most basic part of my personality, is excited.  This part of me loves being with friends, drinking, dancing, and would probably prefer to go out and meet new people over having the party at our apartment.  This part of me is ready to party, get all gussied up, and take selfies with my best friends.  This part of me cannot wait for the doorbell to ring.
Unfortunately, there is a second part of me.  This second part overrides most of the other feelings.  This is the anxious part.  This is the part that is terrified to be surrounded by people.  This is the part that would rather cancel the whole thing and curl up in bed, or on the couch with a movie.  This is the part that makes me dread every single time I have to interact with people.  This is the part that turns all of my excitement into fear. 
This is what I deal with every single time that I have to do anything.  This deep fear of nothing. 
So, here I sit, divided.
I am making the decision to ignore the second part to the best of my ability.
I am making the decision to take some deep breaths and try to hold on to that excitement.
Sometimes, it is hard to make those decisions.
Sometimes, I am weak and give-in.
Sometimes, a night out or with people is not worth the struggle.
Tonight, it will be worth it.
Tonight, I am going to have a good time.
Tonight, I am going to look gorgeous and my best friend is going to tell me that my boobs look fabulous. 
Tonight, I am going to spend time with some amazing people and love my life.
I can do this.

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